Movies are as much part of the yuletide holidays as snow, mistletoe and your mother getting so mad at the family that she locks herself in her bedroom for a while. Gathering the family around the ol’ television box and settling down for a heartwarming flick is a tradition just like the roast goose Ebenezer Scrooge asks for (seriously, did that kid just take orders from whoever shouts at him from a window?). And with classics like It’s a Wonderful Life and A Charlie Brown Christmas, it’s not particularly surprising- they’re films of high sentimental value and often, aesthetic quality. But there’s more out there for those snowy days than the ones who’ve watched ever since you realized that a fat man in a red suit was watching your every move. What movies? Glad you asked…
The Good:
Scrooged (Dir. Richard Donner)
Billy Murray’s late career renaissance as sad sack archetype came at a cost- it can be easy to forget that there’s more gears to his acting than Carl Spackler and Herman Blume. In 1988′s Scrooged, we get to see a wider spectrum than usual, as corporate bastard Frank Cross learns that most clichéd of lessons- the true meaning of Christmas. But it’s never a dull lesson; supporting turns from New York Dolls singer David Johansen and crazed yuppie Bobcat Goldthwait at the very least prevent that. But even more than the wealth of cameos (keep your eyes out for Robert Mitchum, Robert Goulet and even Miles Davis), Murray’s performance of a man who genuinely learns to repent from the bitter life he’s chosen pulls the movie through to holiday classic status. Just make sure your grandmother is okay with a decaying zombie drinking bourbon.
Die Hard (Dir. John McTiernan)
What’s that? Die Hard isn’t a holiday movie, you say? Perhaps you’re forgetting the essential plot- a lonely man traveling cross country to try to visit his family on Christmas Eve, doing his mighty best to overcome the ordeals that separate him from his wife on that most familial of nights. Also, Alan Rickman is a homicidal thief mistaken for a terrorist. But it’s a mainstay of slightly familial nights for fine reasons; Bruce Willis’ star turn before his John McClane character transformed from beleaguered family man to helicopter-destroying supercop, Rickman’s snotty, villain-defining performance and not least: “Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker!” But aside from the broken glass and corpses being thrown from high-rise buildings, it’s McClane’s holiday exhaustion and deep desire just to be with his family that lasts in the memory around the fire.
The Bad:
It Happened One Christmas (Dir: Donald Wrye)
It’s A Wonderful Life is a great movie, a jewel in American cinema and an amazingly heartwarming story while still being a bleak look at the disappointments of modern life. So, “let’s remake it for television!” seemed to be the thought in this 1977 gender reversal revision; Marlo Thomas stars as Mary Bailey Hatch, a carbon copy of James Stewart’s George Bailey, even using much of the original dialogue. It’s almost breathtakingly unnecessary and inferior in every way to Frank Capra’s original, despite supporting turns from the likes of Christopher Guest, Cloris Leachman and even Orson Welles as mean ol’ Mr. Potter. It Happened One Christmas has rightfully ceded its role as a perennial TV favorite to the original and faded into obscurity, but I can’t imagine anyone’s too disappointed about that.
Santa Claus: The Movie (Dir: Jeannot Szwarc)
Even the title is overblown, isn’t it? Santa Claus: THE MOVIE, to be differentiated from Santa Claus: The Videogame and Santa Claus: The Breakfast Cereal. Basically half an origin story for Santa Claus (which we all really needed) and half an “evil corporation tries to ruin Christmas” story, Santa Claus: The Movie depicts David Huddleston (probably most recognizable as the titular character of The Big Lebowski) as a 14th century peasant empowered by elves as an immortal toy giver. In addition, there’s also a completely wasted Dudley Moore as an ambitious elf who ventures out into the world, a pair of (theoretically) adorable urchins and candy canes that not only allow you to jump really, really high, but also explode! As an example of mid-’80s excess, the movie works at least on a kitsch level. Otherwise, John Lithgow as a hilariously heartless businessman out to market “Christmas II” is the only bright spot in this one.
The Ugly:
Jack Frost (Dir: Troy Miller)
There are several movies named Jack Frost. A 1996 version involves a man dying and being resurrected as a living snowman. The 1998 version, starring Michael Keaton, um, involves a man dying and being resurrected as living snowman. The difference? In the former, he’s a serial killer and in the latter, he plays harmonica in a band. But seriously, who wouldn’t be freaked out by either? Keaton stars as a man who neglects his family duty up until the wise point of rushing home on an icy road on Christmas Eve. A year later, he comes back to life, made of snow, to teach his son how sled properly and fight bullies. Combine the borderline creepy premise with crude CGI, and you’ll want to think carefully which Jack Frost you pick in the video store this year. Also, get this: in both films, the dead man’s name is actually Jack Frost. Real creative, guys.
He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special (Dir: Bill Reed & Ernie Schmidt)
Don’t get me wrong, I loved this when I was a child (and still a little bit now, too). I even seem to be one of the few people that remember it exists. But in no conceivable universe can He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special be considered anything but a laughable attempt to expand the Master of the Universe brand into more lucrative markets. A crossover between the muscle-bound He-Man and the furiously princess-like She-Ra, the details of the plot are too ridiculous to get into, so I’ll recap: kidnapped, suspiciously Caucasian children named Miguel and Alisha, Orko accidentally steals a spaceship, a beastlike monster named the Beast Monster and ultimately, Prince Adam dressed as Santa Claus. In the end, even Skeletor catches the holiday spirit and acts heroically for five minutes- only to be relieved that Christmas only comes once a year. Sometimes, so are we, Skeletor. So are we.
by Nathan Kamal
