Varsity Blues (1999)
James Van Der Beek as Jonathan Moxon wasn’t the least convincing actor to play a quarterback, but unarguably he’s still guilty of a terrible Southern accent (and a Texan one, at that) in Varsity Blues. The way nearly every conceivable high school stereotype is trotted out as if on command – the hot-shot starting QB who gets injured, the emotionally fragile, hot cheerleader, the totalitarian coach, the overbearing father still humping his long-gone glory days, the resident young alcoholic – is bad enough, but it’s when the Beek speaks where this movie really shanks it like a lousy placekicker. On the Mount Rushmore of awful accents, he’s at least three of the four presidents.
Is there anything in a football movie worse than the way Van Der Beek drawls the line, “Eh don wont yer laf” (English translation: I don’t want your life)? Nope. - Eric Dennis
Little Giants (1994)
Youth sports, underdogs, family feuds, unathletic athletes: Little Giants has all the expected plot devices for a kids’ movie about sports. Though often compared to its contemporary, The Mighty Ducks, its story more closely parallels the canonical Bad News Bears. Ok, it’s basically the same movie on a different sports field. And if you think about it, Little Giants might be the sappy Danny O’Shea to its big brother, the Bears’ ruder Kevin O’Shea, but it’s sort of nice to see a movie about kids’ sports end with everyone getting to play on one team, rather than humiliating a bunch of eight-year-olds and pretending that should make viewers feel good. My endorsement of this movie should not be construed as an endorsement of the New York Giants in this year’s Super Bowl. – Katie Bolton
Air Bud: Golden Receiver (1998)
I am not a fan of sports. In fact, I’m probably an enemy, which makes it difficult to really appreciate football in movies, Brian’s Song being the rule-proving exception. But you know what I am a big fan of? Cuddly animals. And thus the existence of the beautiful marriage between cuddly animals and football movies, Air Bud: Golden Receiver. The second in the long-running Air Bud franchise in which every sport conceivable can be played supernaturally well by a golden retriever (there’s now a staggering 12 films under its shaggy umbrella), Golden Receiver finds Buddy the dog switching his expertise from basketball to the football arena and wacky hijinks ensue for that adorable guy. And sure, there are some humans involved, like a veterinarian and a couple of Russian dognappers (a profession that of course exists) but really… it’s cuddly dogs playing football! Awwww. - Nathan Kamal
In Hell (2003)
When it comes to football and the cinema, many tend to overlook the valuable contributions football players-turned-actors have made. Case in point, Lawrence Taylor’s performance in the 2003 Jean-Claude Van Damme direct-to-video epic, In Hell. In the film, Van Damme kills his wife’s murderer in the courtroom after the hooligan is declared “Not Guilty.” In accordance to some Eurasian law, he’s sent to some dilapidated third world prison where he befriends a troubled giant of a cellmate in Lawrence Taylor. LT, doing his best The Green Mile’s Michael Clarke Duncan, has his best moment on screen playing handball by himself. He’s such a master thespian that it actually takes the viewer a while to realize that there’s no ball there and Taylor is just randomly slapping his cupped hand into the air at a wall. Whether the film’s budget didn’t have enough money to CGI a bouncing red ball or the director made a subtle statement about the ball-less cellmate in all of us, Taylor’s work helps make In Hell the best of the post-2000 direct-to-video Van Damme movies. It’s a touchdown of a flick! – Chaz Kangas
