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Let’s all be honest here: who doesn’t want the end result of a dinner and a movie date to end in mind-blowing sex? Film, sex and food are just the holy trifecta of romance, when you get down to it. And when the three are combined, how can the results be less than, well, orgasmic?

Inspired by what we feel are some of the most memorable on-screen instances of sex and food coming together, we’ve put together some recipes that are sure to help you get in the mood. Whether you make them an appetizer for the feature or a meal for after, they’re sure to help you prove to any date how smooth and creative you really are. – Morgan Davis

9 ½ Weeks (1986)
The scene where voyeurs and refrigerators grow a hard-on

Close your eyes. Keep them closed and trust that I won’t put anything on your tongue that you wouldn’t want to keep there. Don’t tell me about allergies or preferences. You’ve eaten already? I don’t care. Show me how long you can prohibit the act of swallowing.

This is black when ripe, but I contain no patience for maturation. Use your muscles to remove the seed. It can be quite large. What is your limit on pressure and width?

I’d like to lick the syrup from your bottom lip because it is just a bit larger than the top. Your creases contain the sweetness that I will ask for later. Afterwards. Do you prefer the strawberries to the cherries? Their ability to reconfigure shape and texture mystify me.
Tilt your head back further. A little more. Just like that. I want you to get all your nutrients back there.

Are you thirsty? Crystal matches your skin tone. Lick the bubbles that sparkle down your chin.
Wait. This is about trust so I should challenge it somehow, right? I never said you had to swallow, but I’ve always known that to be your preference. I’m looking to suppress you. Restrain anything that might come up later. You won’t cough for awhile. You don’t have to thank me.
Your tongue grows joints and flexibility as it holds onto that spiraled noodle, and the polished feel of red gelatin sliding down makes me wonder how much longer I must feed you until you ask for me.

How spicy do you like it? I ask. Bite down as hard as you need to. Show me how strong your teeth are. Ignore the tail. The end with dangling seeds. Is this pepper too pungent? Will you scream that way for me?

Remember your mother. Sucking on her with head back just like that. Drink her dairy. It will calm down the heat. Drink. Drink. Drink.

Stick your tongue out further. Imagine a swarm of bees coming in your mouth. The sweetness. Yellow nectar. How about on your knees? Thighs? The space between. Let me use my hands now. To rub. It. In.

Open your eyes. Are you still hungry?

Recipe

One handful of each:

blueberries
raspberries
cherries
mandarin oranges
macadamia nuts
cashews
chopped mango
one banana, skin removed
ice pop
peanut butter, heaping spoonful
tamari (few shakes)
one sushi roll
cinnamon stick
chocolate, bar or pieces
goat cheese
tomato

Have all ingredients close by. Keep in bowl or arranged on large cutting board. Find hungry person. Preferably someone with no dietary restrictions. Ask to close eyes. Begin slowly feeding.

Note: May lead to sex
– Aimee Herman

When Harry Met Sally…(1989)
So delicious you won’t have to fake it

Lore holds that during a test screening of When Harry Met Sally…, female audience members cackled hysterically while sullen man-viewers didn’t make a peep. It features Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan as two friends without benefits, which at times proves tricky for the magnetically bantering duo. Set in the famed Katz’s deli of New York, this scene packs less dialogue than it does simulated ecstasy. Ryan is garbed in conservative-casual late ’80s attire but her tousled blonde mane belies the wildcat within. Thus develops their sultry heart-to-heart:

Sally: How do you know that they’re really…
Harry: What-are-you-saying-that-they-fake-orgasm?
Sally: It’s possible.
Harry: Get outta here!!
Sally: Why? Most women at one time or another have faked it.
Harry: Well they haven’t faked it with me.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because I…
Sally: Oh. Right. That’s right. I forgot. You’re a man.
Harry: What is that supposed to mean?
Sally: It’s just that all men are sure it never happened to them and most women at one time or another have done it, so you do the math.
Harry: You don’t think that I can tell the difference?

Crystal delivers the most hilarious line in this scene at the outset of Sally’s vasocongestive throes (that’s step one, fellas)! Disconcerted by her groaning, he dryly asks, “Are you okay?” At which point, wholesome Meg Ryan proceeds to fake a loud, dirty old mega-gasm, fully attired, gripping the tabletop as she flails her head about and stirs wonder within all of the onlooking patrons. When the magic wraps, she goes flippantly back to her slice of cheesecake, as though nothing’s happened.

“I’ll have what she’s having,” says the lady (director Rob Reiner’s mother) at a neighboring table to the waiter. That’s rich! And so is mouth-watering chocolate cheesecake…

Here’s the breakdown: Ladies love it. And faking a good cheesecake is way trickier than… you do the math. Remember, this is a labor of love. It’s going to take at least eight hours of preliminary prep time (get your mind out of the gutter, I mean the cake, duh-yoy)! Tomorrow, when you remove it from its hiding place in the fridge, be sure to light those candles, scatter the rose petals and put on some Harry Connick Jr. big band standards. Lay out an oversize grey cardigan for her to slip into. Bust out the plaid knits Granny foisted on you all those years ago and give her something real!

Carol Wolkoff’s Favorite Cheesecake Recipe

“to be eaten with someone you like…”
– Carol Wolkoff

Ingredients

1.5 pounds of cream cheese at room temperature
1 cup of granulated sugar
4 eggs
1.5 table spoons of flour
1.5 tablespoons of cornstarch
8 ounces of semisweet chocolate melted
1 cup of sour cream
half a cup of strong coffee or a quarter cup of coffee and a quarter cup of liqueur (rum, for instance)
1 teaspoon of vanilla extract

preheat the oven to 250 degrees
grease a ten inch spring-form pan
in a large bowl, beat the cream cheese until smooth
gradually add the sugar, the eggs, the flour and cornstarch, beat until blended
add the melted chocolate, sour cream, coffee and vanilla, beat until smooth
pour the batter into a pan
bake for 1 hour
turn oven off and let cake stay in the oven for 8 hours or overnight
remove from oven, run a knife between the cake and the pan to loosen it
remove sides and refrigerate cake until cold
put the sparkle back in her eyes
(serves 10 to 12 portions)
– Joan Wolkoff

Hot Shots! (1991)
“If Charlie Sheen had used this recipe, he wouldn’t have needed a prostitute”

So I must confess that I on Hot Shots!; the self-proclaimed “mother of all movies.” In fact, I also own Part Deux. These two gems of scintillating cinematic genius sit with all the other films I categorize under silly. The likes of Airplane!, Blazing Saddles and Austin Powers make up my army of movies to watch when my mental activity is at a low…and would like to stay there.

I loved Hot Shots! as a young thing, mostly because I must also confess I harbored an unreasonable crush on Charlie Sheen. Although Charlie has since been replaced in my heart by the likes of Javier Bardem and Jeff Goldblum, circa 1993-1997 (strange, I know), I still cannot get enough of the Hot Shots! farce.

The truth is, I embrace anything that wears its idiocy and sheer uselessness as a badge. Respect. This particular movie even goes so far as to make fun of that most sacred American cliché: the Hollywood sex scene.

Sure, the scene involves two attractive people and one lacy bra, but it leaves out the subtle hair tossing, steamy eyes and not-so-subtle pelvic thrusting that makes these scenes a proverbial mine field of awkward audience moments and nervous laughter. Remember watching Legends of the Fall with your parents? Because I sure do.

In Hot Shots! we are gifted with a short, silly scene involving Harley and Ramada. In said scene, Harley oh-so-sexily places a pimento stuffed green olive in the belly button of Ramada. He skillfully pops the olive out of its navel launching pad and into Ramada’s mouth. This moment of flawless coordination seals the deal for our hero couple.

In the spirit of the newly sensual pimento stuffed olive, here is a dip that will really get you going.

Dirty Martini Dip

1 8 oz. Package Cream Cheese
1 Jar Olive Salad (Chopped Pimentos & Green Olives)
2 Garlic Cloves, Minced
4 Green Onions, Chopped
1 Splash of Vodka
*Optional: Jalapenos (Either 1 Fresh, Chopped or 1, 4 oz. Jar)

Now, this could not be simpler: just mix everything together, chill and enjoy! Add some of the olive juice if you want to soften up the dip. I also add jalapenos for an extra sexy kick. Just serve it up with some table crackers and you are set. Charlie Sheen, eat your heart out!
– Phyllis Anastasia Gasper

Last Tango in Paris (1972)
Brando liked to have sex with women in an uncomfortable place. And we don’t mean the back of a Volkswagen.

Ask any man what’s his favorite sex scene in a movie and 10 out of 10 times he will mention 9 1/2 Weeks, Secretary or Last Tango in Paris. The three movies are about sexist relationships where men hold on to an outdated macho concept in a world where women no longer willingly play a submissive role so they have to invent silly sexual games aimed at humiliating women. The films advance the same male fantasy–that if women become strong, then men become weak, small and ineffectual. Of the three, Tango does not take itself seriously and is the most interesting because of its ironic tone and parody of two influential film styles,1950s Hollywood and the French New Wave. Bertolucci critiques and condemns the passé ideas and attitudes which informed these styles, but because the film quickly became a cultural object encrusted with layers of largely irrelevant criticism, its deeper meanings were ignored.

The plot is simple. Young Jeanne (Maria Schneider) goes to rent a Paris apartment and finds that mysterious, middle-aged Paul (Marlon Brando) also wants to rent the place. Within moments these total strangers are fornicating. It’s a brief and impulsive encounter, and a shock to both and the audience. They decide to continue meeting there for regular trysts, agreeing never to ask each other their names or any other personal information. Their encounters are a way to escape from the troubles of their real-world lives. Later, we find out that Paul is coping with his wife’s recent suicide, and that Jeanne is trying to decide if she really loves an earnest, shallow, self-absorbed young filmmaker (New Wave regular Jean Pierre Leaud).

Sex and preposterous scenes drive the narratives of the three films. Among them is Tango’s famous butter sequence, where Paul sexually dominates a willing Jeanne as he bizarrely sodomizes her on the dirty floor while instructing her to recite text. This scene in particular has been grossly misinterpreted when in fact it’s meant to be ridiculous. Many people missed the director’s ironic tone in these scenes partly because the irony is subtle. Also, seeing it required familiarity with the consciousness and style in new films. Bertolucci takes types of people and attitudes common in new films and exaggerates them so that we become distanced from the type or the attitude as we watch critically and often with ridicule. The scene has been misunderstood and thus fetishized by men, making it a source of way too many sodomy-based fantasies. Bertolucci violates our expectations by going further than we are used to and by introducing some element that seems inappropriate, namely, Brando’s acting.

Jeanne walks in to find Paul on the floor eating cheese. He greets her with, “There’s some butter in the kitchen.” She tells him she’s in a hurry and that a cab is waiting for her downstairs. He repeatedly orders her to “go get the butter.” Angry, she finally obeys and throws the stick of butter at his feet. “What do you think? That an American in an empty apartment, eating cheese and drinking water is interesting?” she asks as she sits on the floor. She finds a hollow space beneath the dirty carpet and when he tries to pry it open, she tells him not to; it might be a family’s secret hiding place. “What about that? Can I open that?” he asks, pointing to her crotch. She tries to get away from him but he grabs her, unbuttons her pants and slides the butter towards them with his foot. He turns her over, lowers her pants, takes a dab of butter and goes to town while making her repeat after him: “Holy family. Church of good citizens. The children are tortured until they tell their first lie. Where the will is broken by repression. Where freedom is assassinated by egotism…family…”

At the heart of Bertolucci’s failure to establish a coherent perspective on events in the film through style and tone is Brando’s performance. His overwhelming screen presence is partially responsible for the confusion about the film. Brando uses the same acting style that had worked so well in his American 1950s movies but here it clashes with Bertolucci’s more modern, European attitudes and style. The sheer strength of Brando’s personality in a film like this is jarring and his old method acting is often quite out of place. Brando’s acting style makes us feel a closeness which is unsuitable for Paul’s brutality and insensitivity But there’s nothing likable about Paul. He is selfish, self-pitying, indulgent and hostile. He’s a man that hates a false middle-class way of being, with its phony niceness and artificial goodness, and he’s become a monster in revolt against the majority in his culture. In Tango, one often feels that Brando is not really acting, but that he is rather expressing a real hostility toward society. He obviously feels that it’s better to be openly and deliberately ugly and brutal than to subscribe to bourgeois superficiality, and the film was a perfect vehicle for expressing such ideas. But his hatred of bourgeois society does not justify taking out this hostility on women. As Brando’s acting style draws us close to the character, it only leaves us puzzled as to what he is really all about, or what we are to feel towards him. Brando’s acting seems inappropriate in the context and shatters our belief in the scene and ultimately in the whole movie.

Impersonal sex is the basic form for encounters between lonely people in our culture. One could expect anyone with a healthy view of sexuality to be disgusted by Paul’s treatment of Jeanne. But people evidently saw their encounters as merely an accurate version of the way things are, with nothing particularly wrong with it. Tango reflects many overused myths and stereotypes of women in the treatment of Jeanne. The film reflects men’s beliefs that women are inferior beings, made for men’s pleasure; that women really want to be humiliated and treated brutally; that women are essentially cold and rejecting, and will cut a man down once he’s become vulnerable; that women are essentially frivolous characters who don’t know what they want or where they are headed; they are incapable of deep feeling or, true commitment. It may be true that Bertolucci opens up the film form to certain realities about sexual relations and is thus contributes to overthrowing remaining puritan ideas about sex, but it’s a pity that he remained within negative stereotypes about women.

So it’s with irony (hopefully much more than Bertolucci was able to successfully convey) that I share with you with this recipe inspired by the butter scene (courtesy of Chef David Warner). Girls, have your man cook it and you’ll be giving him what he thinks he wants without you even having to take your clothes off. Realistically, it’s as close he’ll ever get to his fantasy of pounding ass.

Start by making a rub. Put one tablespoon of coriander seed and fennel seed, three bay leaves and one teaspoon black peppercorn in a coffee grinder and grind. Lightly toast in oven.

For the lube, mix one teaspoon minced garlic, 1 tablespoon mint, one tablespoon lemon zest, one tablespoon parsley and one stick of butter.

Pound one 16 oz lamb ass to 1/4″ thickness. You will really have to pound hard, and depending on the intensity, you may have to pound that ass for a while. When the ass is tender and ready, marinade in sherry vin and extra virgin olive oil.

Massage butter ointment all over marinated ass. Prior to grilling add rub then flash grill to medium rare.

Serve with tossed salad.
– Teri Carson

Women in Love (1969)
Despite popular belief, fig eating is not an euphemism.

Sex and sensuality are quite different. Men who write about women and sex are abundant, but finding men who can capably put pen to paper and capture the sensuality of women is much more difficult. When done well you get the likes of D.H. Lawrence’s Women In Love, an incredibly powerful novel revealing, among other things, the neurosis, suffocation, insecurity and insatiability in relationships between women and men — all in a saran wrap of sensuality. Director Ken Russell gave us the full visual measure of that remarkable novel made, of course, in 1969.

As Women In Love provocatively portrays the sexual power struggle between the opposite sex as well as between two men, in one famous, sensually, erotic scene we watch Rupert Birkin (Alan Bates) and Gerald Crich (Oliver Reed) nude wrestling with the red reflection of a roaring fireplace glittering off their sweaty forms. Another steamy scene depicts a garden lunch party where Rupert, Gerald, sisters Gudrun and Ursula Brangwen (Glenda Jackson and Jennie Linden, respectively), among other guests, are enjoying Rupert’s oral review of how to eat a fig as Hermoine Roddice (Eleanor Bron) cuts and eats her fresh fig.

Ponder Rupert’s oral perspective as you prepare your own secret, warm, gooey fig sauce to envelop and melt a scoop of caramel, toffee ice cream.

Rupert: The proper way to eat a fig in society. Slit it in four, holding it by the stump and open it, so that it is a glittering, rosy, moist, honeyed, heavy-petaled, four-petaled flower. Then you throw away the skin, after you have taken off the bottom with your lips.

Secret, Warm, Gooey Fig Sauce: Slit eight to ten, ripe, medium figs into fourths. Scoop out the fleshy meat and place in a saucepan with half a stick of butter and a dash of Canola oil. Throw away the skin.

Rupert: But the vulgar way [to eat a fig] is just to put your mouth to the crack and take out the flesh in one bite. The fig is a very secretive fruit. The Italians vulgarly say it stands for the female part, the fig fruit. The fissure, the yoni, the wonderful, moist conductivity towards the center, involved, interned; one small way of access only, and this closed curtain from the light.

Secret, Warm, Gooey Fig Sauce: Saute figs for five minutes at medium low heat or until carmelized. Add 1/2 cup of dark, brown sugar. Saute until incorporated.

Rupert continues (sucking the tips of his fingers): Sap that smells strange on your fingers that even goats won’t taste it.

Secret, Warm, Gooey Fig Sauce: Gently stir in 1/4 cup of either rum, cognac, brandy or bourbon. Saute for another five minutes or until most of the alcohol has vaporized. Test and slowly suck the tips of your fingers.

Rupert: And when the fig has kept her secret long enough, so it explodes, and you see through the fissure the scarlet, and the fig is finished, and the year is over. That’s how the fig dies, showing her crimson through the purple slit. Like a wound, the exposure of her secret on the open day. Like a prostitute, the bursted fig makes a show of her secrets.

Secret, Warm, Gooey Fig Sauce: Place one or two scoops of caramel toffee ice cream in a crimson bowl. Ladel the Secret, Warm, Gooey Fig Sauce on the top of the mound until it envelops and warms the chilled cream. Wear, lick, or devour the conflicting adulteration.

– Jane Hruska

Tampopo (1985)
How about this scene for a last meal?

In essence, Tampopo is a film about all the different ways food collides with culture, from the run-down noodle house to the gangster willing to kill to get the perfect meal. But its penultimate moment is the death of the aforementioned gangster. After a night spent with his lover in which he eats an entire meal off of her naked body, he winds up shot to death in the rain, dying in her arms. His last words? A remembrance of the best meal he ever had, which came after hunting boars in the fall who had feasted all summer on yams. Because their intestines were full of the yams, when the gangster made sausages from the boars, they were perfectly seasoned and naturally stuffed.

Call it a romantic last wish, the gangster only wanting to share in the memory of a perfect meal with his lover; call it a purposefully melodramatic and over the top declaration of Japan’s placement of food above all else. What it is, really, is the perfect execution of cinematic cuisine: simultaneously moving, hilarious and appetizing. And while the rest of Tampopo is filled with the type of wandering, intertwining vignettes Woody Allen used to be able to knock out without taking a breath, it’s this climactic scene that is inevitably what viewers take home with them, the type of monologue you recite to a date after the film is over and you’re heading towards the ubiquitous dinner end of the equation.

And what of that equation, the dinner and a movie combination? We wish the two were seen in films more often, a meta-commentary of sorts on the way we interact with film as a society. If nothing else, Tampopo proves that the two are cosmically intertwined, and when both the dinner and the movie are excellent, the results are downright sublime. Here’s hoping Tampopo can itself inspire making the dinner portion as good as possible, and while we know you probably won’t be able to go hunt yam-stuffed boars yourself, here’s our personal recipe for yam-stuffed pork sausage anyway.

The Gangster’s Yam-Stuffed Pork Sausage

Ingredients

5 lbs. ground pork
90 oz. worth of hog casing (optional)
1 16 oz. can yams, drained
2 tsp. dried thyme
1 1/2 tsp. nutmeg
1 tsp ginger
1 tbsp. cayenne pepper
1 tbsp. black pepper
2 tbsp. salt
1 1/2 tbsp. rubbed sage
1 1/2 tbsp granulated garlic
1/4 cup chopped parsley
1 cup iced water
1. Drain the can of yams and cut them into separate 1/4 inch cubes. Put on a cookie sheet in a single layer and freeze in order to be used later. This allows the yams to become solid cubes that are more visible in the sausage.
2. Combine all the ingredients in a large mixing bowl except for the yams.
3. Mix the meat with your hands for ten to fifteen minutes until properly blended.
4. Once the meat has been mixed, gently fold in the yams.
5. The sausages can either be rolled into 3-inch patties or they can be stuffed into the hog casing and tied off in 6-inch sausage links.
6. For best results, grill over over charcoal or smoke the sausages.
(Serves 6)
– Morgan Davis

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