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Have you noticed that since the Democrats have been in power, there’s been an increase in chick flicks and sappy dude movies? These movies all have the same male lead- some guy who’s reluctant to fall in love but eventually realizes that he’s one half of a match made in heaven. Cue the sappy music, gorgeous sunset and/or wedding scene, tender kiss and roll the credits. It’s enough to make any real American throw up in his tool belt. Obviously, there’s a correlation between the peace-loving, yellow-bellied wimps running the country and the disintegration of non-pussified men in the box office. But fear not, fellow Capitalists and straight cowboys. Through the power of the internet, you can avoid being pantywaisted by the films that the left forces on our collective conscience. I present to you, five of the most awesomely bad-ass movies from the most awesomely bad-ass decade: the Reagan era.

That’s right- the Reagan era. Now there’s a man who knew how to take names and kick butt. The men in these movies were hard and sweaty and when they bear-hugged someone, you knew the body count was going up. None of this touchy-feely emotional crap; these guys knew that chicks are a #4 priority at best and had no qualms about discarding their women to pursue the goddamn Commies and fight lawlessness- even if they had to break the law to do it.

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#5 – Lone Wolf McQuade (1983)

Nobody exemplifies the qualities of a Reagan man like Chuck Norris. In Lone Wolf McQuade, Norris plays (shocker) a Texas Ranger who prefers to live with only his pet wolf as company. His house is a dump but it’s obvious he’s no candy ass- the place is full of American flags and guns. F yeah! But when evil Mexicans kidnap his daughter, it’s on. Here’s how bad-ass McQuade is: he gets shot and dumped into a superturbo truck that the bastards decide to bury, Viking style. McQuade manages to wake up, chug a beer and rev his truck right out of its grave. Lone Wolf McQuade proves that you can be a raging, vengeful alcoholic and still deliver a swift kick of justice to Mexico while banging your enemy’s girlfriend. Take that, Kennedys.

Totally awesome quote: “I never forget an asshole.”

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#4 – Extreme Prejudice (1987)

Nick Nolte is Ranger Jack Benteen, a man who could kill a drug trafficker just from the pure testosterone he oozes. His childhood buddy is now a druglord in Mexico (where drugs were invented) and they agree to stay out of each other’s business- until a sheriff gets killed. To top it all off, the feds decide to intervene and clash with Benteen. Since the head of the feds operation has been around the block a few times, of course he’s running drugs on the down low. You know you can’t trust the government, people. It ends in a fury of gunfire and manly awesomeness.

Totally awesome quote:
“As long as I got a face, you got a place to sit!”

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#3 – Cobra (1986)

Legendary patriot Sly Stallone is Officer Marion “Cobra” Cobretti. He’s on the trail of the “New Order,” a group who takes natural selection into their own hands and kills off those they deem weak. Throughout the movie, Cobra is thwarted by soft-on-crime superiors and a useless detective who keeps mumbling some pansy line about excessive violence and the liberal media. But as everyone knows, violence is the only thing that stops violence, and Cobra doesn’t disappoint. The main baddie gets his due in the form of a giant hook impaled through his midsection and a lesson in humanity from a giant furnace of molten metal. Cobra teaches an important lesson about gun control- as long as the good guys are allowed to shoot whoever they want and whenever they need, we are all safe from people who carry guns. Or axes.

Totally awesome quote: Helpless hot chick: “Do you believe you can fall in love?” Cobra: “With a woman?”

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#2 – Invasion USA (1985)

As an ex-op of some hardcore agency, Matt Hunter (once again, Chuck Norris) lives on an island in the middle of a swamp in Florida. He’s happy with his pet armadillo and head-to-toe denim. But he gets back into the life when a former enemy, Russian terrorist Mikhail Rostov makes his way into the US. His plan? INVASION USA, MOFOS. Rostov and his crew manage to bazooka an entire block of American suburbia at Christmas- without reloading their weapons once. But an army of Russians is no match for Matt Hunter. He takes the entire operation down singlehandedly, using only some Uzis, a grenade launcher and a pick-up truck. Oh yeah, there’s some stuff with drugs in this movie too. Cause nothing says “Reagan” like killing off a few low-level cocaine dealers.

Totally awesome quote: “I’ll hit you with so many rights you’ll be begging for a left.”

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#1- Commando (1985)

Perhaps the best movie of all time, Commando, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, is a brilliant homage to the Real Man. The one area that the Real Man is allowed to show sensitivity is when it’s directed towards his young daughter. That wholesome virginity that is his to protect is a precious gift for him to give away to another man, and anything that separates a Real Man from his daughter and her unbroken hymen is going to get its ass kicked. So when some guy with a grudge against ex-military John Matrix kidnaps Matrix’ daughter, he understandably goes fucking crazy. Between all the intensely hardcore explosions, the never-ending awesome one-liners, and the absurd action scenes (Matrix jumps out of a moving plane and lands in two feet of water without even getting his shoes wet, people), this is a movie to watch over and over and over again. Especially moving is the beginning sequence, where we see Matrix carry a tree up a hill and then feed a deer out of the palm of his hand. The Academy of 1985 surely regrets letting this one slip away without an Oscar. Commando helps us remember that wrestling with a glistening, mustached chap who’s wearing a mesh vest and leather pants is sometimes necessary to protect our citizens.

Totally awesome quote: “Just between you and me, don’t deprive yourself of some pleasure, come on Bennett, lets party!”

by Lisa Bahr

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